The 6th Thing They Never Told Us*

Read this article and then come back here:

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-things-they-never-told-us/

The sixth thing they should've mentioned that one day, you'd be on your own and unless you made an effort to learn how to cook as a kid- and why would you? Food appeared on your plate with regularity (three times a day to be exact) and it was good and it would always be the case- you'd be on your own one day with your culinary knowledge limited to the two times in your two decade life you actually paid attention to your parents cooking and struggling to cook something as simple as fried rice, looking forward to breakfast (cereal and milk) because it would be your best meal of the day unless you went out to eat and slowly ate into all the precious money you were making, trying to save young and early so you could one day eat at fancy restaurants, the kind that have a Michelin star, so that you wouldn't actually need to cook for yourself...

What? Where was I? Yeah. For some reason I thought that I'd just turn into a cook when I was older. I don't know what I thought, actually. I was retarded as a kid. But suddenly, I became an adult and when I got to my dormitory on my AF base and they didn't have a microwave in my room (and I was too lazy to ask for one) and after eating out too much, I've decided to cook for myself without the aid of a microwave**

**One of the other lieutenants here observed that I was politically liberal but you wouldn't think it because of the way I conduct myself. He referred to my general actions- risk averse and cautious- but also, I think, the way I conduct myself. With standards and without shortcuts. (I think this is intertwined with my risk averse nature- shortcuts mean risks but I'd prefer to think that I'm just a disciplined individual).

So here I am. 22 years young. Suddenly all growed up. Slowly realizing that I'm a young man though I think, as I've mentioned before, that I sometimes think I'm still a little kid or an insecure middle schooler at heart (especially with women, sigh) but I will catch myself, as I did yesterday, on the treadmill right after a shoulder workout, looking at my (I'd like to think) chiseled physique and be like "damn, you're a motherfucking man, Ryan". And then I'll go back and cook myself some dinner and have a few drinks with my other LTs and discuss work and the various subplots and dramas and dynamics and I will again be struck.

But perhaps I'm not all growed up yet. I remember learning how to make fried rice from my dad when I was 14 and he taught me how to do it. In fact, I must've helped make it. But I don't remember what he did now. I vaguely remember him saying, "use leftover rice". Green onions were involved. Soy sauce as well. Beyond that, the memory fades.

My parents are coming a few weeks. I'm not quite sure if they'll visit Kunsan yet but I hope they do. I will show them the room and we will talk about where to go out and I will turn to my parents and say, "Mom, Dad, instead of going out, could you perhaps cook me a homemade meal?" And they will ask what ingredients I have and stop themselves and just check my cupboards. Mom and Dad will turn to each other, a look of deep skepticism upon their face, and my Dad will put his hand on my shoulder and say, "son, based on this pitiful cupboard, you have a lot of growing up to do,"

He will turn to where my pots are and pick one up and say, "this, turkey***, is a frying pan. These are 'spices'. You use them to add flavor to food..."

The End.

*I understand why they didn't make a list of six things. Who's ever heard of "The Top Six Hitters in Baseball Hitters" or "Six Movies You Should Watch Before You Die".

***My dad actually called us 'turkeys' growing up. That or 'kiddo'. He'd say, "hey turkey, get over here," I don't know why. Why that and not duckling or pigeon?